Archive for the ‘About me’ Category

As I get older

Do you ever find yourself thinking that you have no real hope that your life will significantly improve? I dont know how I would live this way. Do people really live fuller and more meaningful lives when they do have this hope? Or is it all in their head. I find without hope there is nothing. It bothers me to think about it so I thought I would write it out.

I have lived a life filled with hope for one thing or another but as I get older I find there really is little hope for anything to improve. Different causes I have cared about really have not gone away. Most are still present and the numbers just get worse. Looking back in time I see that things were never good.  Even in the 90’s with the internet boom came the realities of the real estate bust in this decade. Does this mean that as good as we thought the economy was, it was all in our head?

How do people live their lives in this mental state? How do they live each day?

There were a few times I was in love, and it gave me hope. There were a few more times that my passion for a cause was so strong I had hope that I would see it to fruition. But like everything else on earth it fades with the passing of time.

Something happened to me today and I began to think about this tv special that was on a few nights ago. This guy had been scamming some of the biggest financiers of all time. He was also swindling charities.  I was thinking about the kids that were helped while the scam was going down. Can these kids feel good about the fact they received help? Are their warm and fuzzy moments just figments of their imagination? Was the hope they felt real? I find myself asking Is hope  real, or is it just in your/my head?

It would be cool if I could get some love right now…please share with me your messages of hope.


It was just another Saturday afternoon…

I was living in apartments on Forest Lane behind the Wolfe Nursery in Dallas. I get up that morning to find beer bottles everywhere, friends passed out on the floor and on the couch, dishes flowing over in the sink. We had had one helluva party the night before. After I took a piss I went out front to smoke a cigarette. I had about finished when another friend came wandering up and asked if I wanted to go swimming in a friends pool. I said sure, the area is known for alot of dancers.

We walked through the apartment trying to get people up. We needed a ride to do this right! Well it ends up that the oldest guy in the group, a known speed freak, his buddy another roomate of mine, and a drunk guy that was friends with all of us made it out the door by 1 pm. The drunk guy was passenger front. The oldest guy was driving. The roommate was sitting next to me in the back seat. The car was a 65 Impala, a nice car inside.

We end up at these apartmentments off Harry Hines and Northwest Hwy. These were the nicest pools I had seen anywhere. Nice apartments, very nice looking mature women with more money then they could send up ther nose. We swam and drank water and softdrinks baking in the warm sun that day. It was just perfect.

I felt so good about life that day. Here I was 16 with a Congressional Nomination to got to The Air Force Academy. I was very good looking, in shape, lived on my own and had the world by its balls! I was a talented fighter and looking forward to my opportunity to start training. I was on the high school swim team and a leader in JROTC.

We leave out about 6:30 pm. I am exhausted from swimming and flirting with chicks all day that I pass out after 3 minutes with my head leaning on the door. About 2 minutes later the driver took a left on Denton Dr off Lombardy…

My first memory was that of a boyfriend of my mother asking me what I wanted to eat? I wrote on a scratch and peel erase board that i wanted a Schlotsky’s. The next memory I had was of me trying to get out of bed and falling on my face. The next was when my physical therapist gave me a hand job in the shower at the hospital. Then memories of struggle with physical, occupational and cognitive therapy.

An ice cream truck with a drunk driver speeding and ran the red light slammed into my door as we were turning left. I was immediately out with impact and the car was virtually crushed into a V-shape. The drunk guy sitting up front went through the windshield and didnt even get stitches. The roommate sitting next to me got a piece of metal stuck in his arm and the driver walked away without a scratch.